Thursday, February 19, 2009

If I Were Billy Mays

You know him, you love him, you hate him: He is Billy Mays.

He's the guy that can sell anything during a commercial break that will make you forget what you were watching in the first place. He's the guy that is so loud that you have to turn down the volume and then remember to put it back up when the next commercial comes. He's the guy that makes everyday things easier with the latest gadget or device to make you just a little bit lazier. And for some reason, he never seems to be happy with offering you one product. You can bet your life that he'll say, "But wait, order right now and we'll double your order for FREE!!!!!!"

So I'm thinking to myself, if I were Billy Mays, what would I try and sell the world. So I thought about the things that make my life so awesome that I would make a TV commercial for. Here's what I personally own and would recommend in a heartbeat:

  1. A Fleece Bathrobe - I'm convinced that when God rested on the 7th day, He probably wore this comfy piece of awesomeness
  2. Black and Decker Dust Buster - I have wood floors, which seem to never stay clean. It's as if the wood turns into dirt when I wipe over them with a broom. But alas, the Dust Buster is my trusty right hand device that has not let me down with it's amazing sucking action (no that's what she said jokes....Billy would never stoop that low)
  3. The Griddle - I didn't put a brand name down for this because they are all amazing. It's like trying to decide which twin is prettier. Seriously though folks, everyone should own one or boring food will own you!
  4. 4' x 8' White Board - This larger than life dry erase board has donned my walls in houses and offices. Why have a 4' x 6' when you can get a bigger one. I like to think the size of your dry erase board is indicative of how big your ideas and dreams are. So for you losers who have that little dinky magnetic board on your fridge, get a hold of yourself and treat yourself. They are only $13 at Lowe's.
  5. Hand Held Dish Scrubber - the one that you put dish soap into and you can squeeze it out and scrub at the same time. Who would have thought this cheap invention would ever bring so much joy to cleaning your dishes? God Bless you whoever thought this up. I haven't used my dishwasher nearly as much.
I think the one thing that bonds all of these incredible products is their price. None of these items cost me over $20. The mark of a true genius product. When I think about it, if I shell out $300 for something, I expect greatness. But when I spend $10 or $15, I find myself patting myself on the back for making such a good purchase. Some would call that maturity. I call it finding my inner Billy Mays. Thanks Billy for helping me to find the greatness in simple things like Oxyclean, Mighty Putty, The Awesome Auger, and The Hercules Hook. Keep blowing our ear drums until we call and order.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Bachelor Lifestyle

Good People of the Internet, I've got an announcement:

I love being a Bachelor

I know that's not very groundbreaking information with the Stimulus Bill and A-Roid out there, but I wish everybody can experience this.  I also understand how juvenile and immature is sounds.  You may be saying to yourself, "Miami Mike, that's why you're still single".  And you know what, you're probably right.  But let me try and convince you why the Bachelor Lifestyle is the best thing that can happen to a guy:

1.  I am the Man of my own House: not only do i arrange everything in my house the way i want to, but i can also choose to NOT arrange it if I want to.  There are no rules with which I have to live by.  If I want to angle the TV so I can watch it from the kitchen or put a work out bench in my living room, then I can!  Things don't have to match, there doesn't have to be a theme.

2.  Wearing a Bathrobe and house slippers is acceptable all the time: I've realized these two inventions weren't just made for morning pleasure.  Nay!  They are the first thing I put on when I get home from work.

3.  Watching Sportscenter multiple times a day isn't a bad thing: things change so much in the Sports World that I have to keep up.  And filling the time in between with old episodes of The Office and Lost is approved.  If I could find a satellite package that just showed Sports, The Office, and Lost, I'd buy it in a heartbeat.

4.  Having a huge Texas flag and 8 foot dry erase board is plenty enough for wall decor:  no paintings, no crosses, no pictures, etc.  What's the need?  See my first point for any further explanation.

5.  I can logically back up almost everything I do/say/need: this is something I've learned over time.  For example, I recently bought a brand new comforter for my queen bed.  It's a Ralph Lauren Polo comforter and I got it on sale for $30.  The only catch is, it's a Twin sized comforter.  Big mistake, right?  NO!  Why buy a queen size when all I need is a twin size?  Plus, the queen size was over $100.  The person at the register didn't share my opinion, but she's not a Bachelor.  How could she understand this bargain?  The beauty of being a Bachelor is that you don't have to fit inside a box.  Things happen the way you want, not the way Society tells.

These things may not resonate with you, but hey, you may not be a Bachelor.  The list I just presented is just the tip of the iceberg.  As I see them develop, I'll be sure to write them down and share them with you.

As for the ladies, this list probably doesn't impress you in the least bit.  But that's okay.  You're built for marriage.  A Bachelor is built for dominating the single life.  Bachelors aren't looking for approval.  We're looking for the next freaking awesome thing to add to our life.  One day this will all change and I will have nothing else to add to my life but a beautiful woman.  But for now, God has me loving the Bachelor Life.  I hope you can enjoy it too.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Miami Mike's on the move.......

To Europe baby!!!!  My gracious boss let me loose for about 12 days so I'm hopping on  a plane and taking in London, Rome, and Paris.  Freakin Booyah, I know.

I'm in the process of planning the trip right now so I can be organized and really take in as much as possible.
Any suggestions, good people of the internet?  Do tell!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

For All those Who Need a Visual......

This is what Miami Mike looks like with a Fu Manchu.  If you're confused, read the blog below