Thursday, February 19, 2009

If I Were Billy Mays

You know him, you love him, you hate him: He is Billy Mays.

He's the guy that can sell anything during a commercial break that will make you forget what you were watching in the first place. He's the guy that is so loud that you have to turn down the volume and then remember to put it back up when the next commercial comes. He's the guy that makes everyday things easier with the latest gadget or device to make you just a little bit lazier. And for some reason, he never seems to be happy with offering you one product. You can bet your life that he'll say, "But wait, order right now and we'll double your order for FREE!!!!!!"

So I'm thinking to myself, if I were Billy Mays, what would I try and sell the world. So I thought about the things that make my life so awesome that I would make a TV commercial for. Here's what I personally own and would recommend in a heartbeat:

  1. A Fleece Bathrobe - I'm convinced that when God rested on the 7th day, He probably wore this comfy piece of awesomeness
  2. Black and Decker Dust Buster - I have wood floors, which seem to never stay clean. It's as if the wood turns into dirt when I wipe over them with a broom. But alas, the Dust Buster is my trusty right hand device that has not let me down with it's amazing sucking action (no that's what she said jokes....Billy would never stoop that low)
  3. The Griddle - I didn't put a brand name down for this because they are all amazing. It's like trying to decide which twin is prettier. Seriously though folks, everyone should own one or boring food will own you!
  4. 4' x 8' White Board - This larger than life dry erase board has donned my walls in houses and offices. Why have a 4' x 6' when you can get a bigger one. I like to think the size of your dry erase board is indicative of how big your ideas and dreams are. So for you losers who have that little dinky magnetic board on your fridge, get a hold of yourself and treat yourself. They are only $13 at Lowe's.
  5. Hand Held Dish Scrubber - the one that you put dish soap into and you can squeeze it out and scrub at the same time. Who would have thought this cheap invention would ever bring so much joy to cleaning your dishes? God Bless you whoever thought this up. I haven't used my dishwasher nearly as much.
I think the one thing that bonds all of these incredible products is their price. None of these items cost me over $20. The mark of a true genius product. When I think about it, if I shell out $300 for something, I expect greatness. But when I spend $10 or $15, I find myself patting myself on the back for making such a good purchase. Some would call that maturity. I call it finding my inner Billy Mays. Thanks Billy for helping me to find the greatness in simple things like Oxyclean, Mighty Putty, The Awesome Auger, and The Hercules Hook. Keep blowing our ear drums until we call and order.


growingfreely said...

who has two thumbs and a crazy, clean shirt? that guy!